What is he thinking?

Gawd....I really dunno what's playing in his mind. He treats me like a friend I guess, but I truely love him so much. I try to convince myself that I am only falling into an endless trap, which could cause so much hurt to myself. Am I that bad? Am I so not attractive to him? I can't find the answer...

I met him at my college. It was a love at first sight, which initially I was so against of. I didn't believe in love at first sight, coz it's just so impossible to fall in love with somebody whom you don't even know his name. But when I first saw him, my heart was beating so fast and blood rushing to my head. I knew he didn't even realize I was there, as he just walked past me without even looked at me.

Then I went for a job interview, where I saw him there again. It's fate, I told myself. Hence, I rejected another job that offered me a higher pay and took up this job. I thought we might be together. I strongly believed that my prince of charm was there, waiting for me to intrude his life. However, I could feel that he does not have any feeling for me.

After knowing him from work, I took up the courage to search for him on Friendster. Lucky me, I did find him there and sent him a friend request. He did accept that, and also asked me to add him on MSN. From there, we slowly developed our friendship. Talking to him every night on MSN is such a joy, though he always teases me. Slowly, I have this feeling that he only needs a companion to talk to at night, to get rid of his boringness. I am such a fool to have waited in front of the computer every single night, wanting to talk to him so eagerly.

Not long after that, he starts to drive me home, as CV can't get out of work as early as me. The first time when I sat into his car, I was as joyous as a bird dancing in spring. I thought this would be the beginning of a romantic journey. However, after we got to know each other better, he started to tease me by threatening not to send me home if I could not finish my job in time. I knew he was joking, but I felt so uneasy to hear him saying those words, as if I was a burden to him and he hoped to leave me behind. Those jokes are not funny at all. At times, I really wanted to just walk away and take bus home, to show him that I could live without him. But I knew I'm still gonna see him at work, and we are only FRIENDS, not more than that.

Last Friday, I burnt my hands at the college. They hurt so badly. The only person whom I wanted to see immediately was him. Nevertheless, after waiting for 2 days, there was not a single message from him. I mean, even if you know your friend is injured, you may want to send a simple regard to him/her. But he did neither. I was so hurt, both physically and mentally. At this time, only my best friends are taking care of me. They are my angels.

On Saturday night, I was still looking forward to his message. I knew he was on MSN, and I was so sure he knew I was on there too. I was contemplating whether or not to click on his nick, as I wanted him to make the first move. Sadly, he didn't. I waited and waited and waited until I lost my patience and clicked on him and asked him, "How's work?" And he sent me an angry emoticon and asked, "Where were you?" "I thought you all should've known what happened to me" "What happened?" Then I had to explain all over again. After that I asked, "I thought chef had told you all?" "Ya he did....jst wanna double check if it's true" I was totally shocked to see his words. Why would I wanna lie about my injury and stop working for these few days? Am I too rich to work? I would definitely go to work if the injury was not serious. What was he thinking??? Why would he think that way????????? I was severely hurt....

Last night, I couldn't help it anymore and poured everything out to CV. My tears dropped and wet my pillow. I knew it was silly to cry over someone who doesn't even care for you, but I am sad for being such a fool. I know to all my friends, I am a very tough girl who can handles everything without the help from anyone. But nobody knows as a Piscean, it's only my look that gives the false perception to people. I am actually very very fragile at heart and would always want protection from someone who loves and cares for me. At the moment, CV is the one who does that to me. She's always by my side whenever I have any problem. And I may say she's the one who's seen the fragile parts of me apart from LT.

I just want a wide shoulder to lean on, is that so difficult???